Jumping right into dating someone new right after breaking up with someone you care about is kind of like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound.  You know it isn’t gonna help necessarily, and it’s definitely gonna leave a scar regardless of what you do, but sometimes it’s just easier to look down and see that band-aid staring back at you rather than that gaping void. Hey—sometimes it’s okay to change band-aids a few times before it’s completely healed.  Totally normal.  Sometimes once you get ‘em wet you really need a new one ;p

Soooo after ending up a dumpee (as opposed to a dumpER), what I decided, and what I think might be important for women because we are so relationally oriented and we just love to be loved, is this: just momentarily find someone who will literally and metaphorically lick your vagina. I am so serious. I tried to do this the second night after the break up (orrr was it that night?? Not sure, I took my alcoholic friends’ advice and got drunk for 3 days straight. Now I’m detoxing & becoming a gym rat for 28 days. But I digress.) See I tried to do this with some naive boy from Kansas I met in my bar/restaurant. I obviously let him get too liquored up and kissing him was like trying to kiss an alligator with beer breath.


Two things, guys

1. Chapstick. No one wants to bite the dead skin off your lips. Soft lips=nice lips. (But don’t get all fruity, or we’ll wonder if you’re fruity. And, I mean, it’s cool if you are… but… ya know… then you’re probably just at my house to check out my male roommate.)

2. Mouthwash. Or gum. Or mints. Or Listerine strips. I could go on and on. If you are not smart and prepared enough, however, most women wouldn’t mind lending you some mouthwash or giving you some toothpaste to swish around. And ladies, you can help by leaving mouthwash out in plain sight, right in front of the idiots’ faces, or in the most accessible bathroom cabinet.

So if this guy had at least tried to lick his lips before kissing me and/or at least taken a shot of Rumple Minze, he could have had a shot at licking my lips. Naameen? The importance of kissing is unfathomable to guys, probably because they are turned on at the mere thought of us with our clothes off (excluding, of course, Jizzman, my ex, who possibly does go with the fruity chapstick, as has been discussed among his and my friends. But that’s a debate for another day). Women, however, begin the sexual buildup with the kissing stage. Get with it.

So, ladies, I am off to find a man who knows how to kiss my lips and who I decide I might let lick my lips. I’ll of course ignore his phone calls, break plans with him (politely and apologetically!) and subtly seduce him into kissing my ass. Guys rate girls into three categories:

1. I’d let her blow me.

2. I’d fuck her

3. I’d eat her ass. This is obviously saved for the sexiest of all, and when you find a guy who will put you in this third category, take it and run with it. Run until your bruises are healed. And when you have to let him down, do it oh-so-gently. He helped you heal your wounds, you don’t want bad relationship karma by giving him wounds of his own to deal with. Be honest from the beginning.  Most guys won’t be too opposed to just being a fuck buddy.  And if they are, run like hell. He’s probably poking holes in the condoms.

Happy healing ;p