So this column isn’t JUST for the ladies, but after re-reading, it does seem to be geared more towards those who HAVEN’T been caught watching the fuzzy channel since age 10. Anyway, I’ve started to truly enjoy porn myself. I have finally figured out the secret to REALLY enjoying it: I always watched it with the volume turned down to a barely audible level, because, well, let’s face it, who wants to do the walk of shame and have to look the roomies in the eyes after no one else walks out of your bedroom?? More importantly, it’s none of their business that you like gay midget porn. To each her own.

…And if I do say so myself, I do know how to make myself moan, but that’s noise to be embraced! Now don’t stop reading here, because it isn’t like I always knew how to make myself scream out “OH, SELF!”, and it isn’t like I always know how to give it to myself either… it’s a fun trial an error process, and it seriously does take work! But I’m all over the place, and getting ahead of myself. In short, I suggest this:

1. Get yourself a toy! Bigger isn’t always better, and it scared me at first, but “The Rabbit” is kind of all that it was cracked up to be. Before that though, I had a little $10 vibrating plastic yellow dildo, with length enough to hit my spot and a circumference of maybe 3 fingers. Baby steps!  And don’t forget some lube. I’m a little sensitive, so I skip the bells and whistles when it comes to this.

1 & 1/2. (I didn’t feel like re-numbering. But this is a small however important one…) Charge some batteries!

2. One day when you’re feeling frisky and can carve out a few hours (it takes me a while, and who wants to feel rushed, or end in frustration!? …Although, “crossing the finish line” isn’t necessarily the important part here. Just starting the race is at least that: a start!). Close and lock your door. If you feel the need, tell the housemates you’re outta commission for the day. Or if possible, take the time when no one is home!

3. Put on HEADPHONES! It made me feel so much better to not wonder what my roomies/neighbors/passersby were thinking about my porno selection, lol. Which IS kind of freaky… but that’s convo for another time… (and no, the gay midget threesome comment was unfortunately not an autobiographical reference ;p)

4. Don’t be shy about the porn you watch! It’s cool to watch girl on girl even though you’ve never gotten freakydeaky with a chick, nor do you plan on it. Who wants to watch sweaty man and hairy ball slapping anyway? OR maybe you want to watch TWO hairy ball slapping MEN!? Point is, don’t be shy about what you want.  Type whatever you want into that little search bar.  Unless you’re into poor little underagers. Then you can stop reading my fucking column and check yourself in someplace. Thanks.

5. Start off slow! Take your time; we women can go in and out of “the mood” easily. Find yourself a porn site (I usually use or pornhub, but this article explores more options ). Or, even just conjure up a fantasy in your head that may or may not start with some ridiculous back story. Mentally go through your facebook friends or strangers from throughout the day!  Sometimes mental ex sex can be good if you had good sex, but you don’t want it to interfere with your real life feelings for him/her. Use the headphones for mood music and to block out the outside world. But anyway, take it as slowly as you want; start over the blanket, over the sheet, move up your leg sensually… outside my underwear with my hand making a large sweeping motion is one of my personal fave foreplay moves. My lips are really sensitive, so sometimes I’ll even put my mouth on the pillow next to me. (Oh yeah, those lips are sensitive too. Not what I was referring to, however.) Also, don’t be afraid to, at any time in the process, come back to sow and sensual.

6. Give it to yourself! Be your own pornstar. Shit, by the time I’m done with myself, my sheets and memory foam mattress topper have been ripped off of my bed and curled up into a makeshift manpiece that, hey I’ll admit it, sometimes I ride! Sometimes I’ll even pull it on top of myself because I like the weight of it. At times I’ll even give it to myself from behind. Maybe take the action to the shower. Pull out all the stops… if you can’t get down with yourself, how can you get down with someone else?!

7. Don’t get frustrated! It takes time and practice to get yourself off, and in my opinion, it’s pretty good even if I DON’T finish!

8. Practice, practice, practice ;p

Okay, so that wasn’t TOO short, but one of the main ideas, anyway, is spend time on yourself. You deserve it! 😉

PS. After a while, if you have one, I don’t think it’s a bad idea to involve your partner in this process. Some people like to watch and s/he might even have some tips for YOU! Happy masturbating!

Addendum: Some other links to finding porn easily and for free: (Don’t forget to clear your search history, btw– could result in funny looks from future computer borrowers!)