…Quite the opposite, actually.

I’m not usually a cheesedick.  I hate stupid mushy shit, probably mostly because I am kind of jaded about the whole love bullshit.  But all my cynicism aside, I do love the holidays, and I do love shopping for the people I love.

However.  Many people, men specifically, are roped into spending way too much $$$ on gifts for their significant others! I even had a stressed out girl friend confide in me: “I know Randy is gonna spend way more money on me than I am on him!”  I told her not to be ridiculous.  We have periods and babies and get Brazilians, and boys spend money on us.  That’s the way the world works! The end.

Kidding.  Well, mostly… ;p

But seriously, as I told her, she had picked out very thoughtful gifs for him! He lost quite a bit of weight, and started creating his own holes in his belt, so she’s getting him a belt.  [Although, now come to think of it, she’s probably just embarrassed to be seen with him wearing that shit! … kidding again.  Kind of, again.  Ha.]  Also, he shaves his head weekly, if not daily, so she went to The Art of Shaving store and bought him a little kit! Thoughtful!

So back to cheese-erific mushy loveydovey world.

The absolute BEST gifts are thoughtful, meaningful and personal.

And the absolute most meaningful gifts are the gifts of



& Energy.

So go ahead and make that loving gesture.  This is the time for that.  Post a video message of you singing a song for the girl you love, for all of the Facebook world to see.  Write her a poem. Print a picture of the two of you and put it in a cute frame. Bring her to finally do that thing you’ve always wanted to do together; even if it isn’t “romantic,” but she is itching for the thrill of a rollercoaster (and maybe the thought of it gives you less than butterflies).  Take some of those stupid photo booth pictures.  Bring her on a picnic and lay in the grass and just enjoy each other’s company, and actually physically leave your phones in the car.  Give a massage. Give kisses. [Sidenote: if your woman enjoys kisses half as much as I do, you should probably give her at least 20/ day.] Give hugs. Give public displays of affection even though it makes you uncomfortable… but you know she loves it.  Plant something together so you can watch it grow. Volunteer together, or go play with the kittens at the animal shelter even though it stinks like shit.  Isn’t it worth it to see her face light up? [Hint: if it isn’t, get out now.]

And those are the MOST generic of things.  Maybe she loves seahorses.  Maybe she loves alligators.  Find [and don’t tell me you can’t find something.  It’s called the internet.  It’s at your fingertips RIGHT NOW.] shirts, jewelry, towels, pillowcases, flowerpots, or car steering wheel covers with alligators on them. Start listening now. What’s a hobby she’s been meaning to get into, or what’s a movie she loves but when you go through her collection, you realize she doesn’t own?  Listen— you’ll find that meaningful gift.

Example: I have the symbol for infinity tattooed on me, but as it gets worn down, it has a break at the end & is no longer infinite.  A good friend of mine bought me a sculpture of the symbol for infinity with a weird squiggle-y break in it.  From Goodwill.  For $4. Best $4 he’s ever spent on me.

One thing I can say is, usually when you hear those advertisements: “LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT GIFT FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE? … BUY OUR STUPID SHIT!!!”…? Run like hell. That is the LAST thing you should buy.

And I will come to your house and punch you in the mouth if you get him or her a gift certificate.  No, wait, I’ll let him/her do it for you.