What What…

…in the butt…???

My own butt. True story.

So I’ve been looking up sex toys to use on the new hot lady friend. Once we have both gone down on each other, I think we both feel, since we are– I’ll say a larger percentage (?) heterosexual, like we are missing “the big finish.”

So I’ve been looking into getting a double-sided dildo. I want to fuck her, but I wanna feel like I’m getting some dick too! The problem is. however , that there are really no “tools” (heh– tools) that really give you that in and out motion at the exact same time. The best i could imagine would be an intricate device, held on to the floor with some sort of suction cup, which came off the ground high enough so that we could go doggy style with each other, but who wants to go “ass to ass” with a soft girl? I don’t — I want to touch her. SO-  the majority of what is left is a strap on with “anal plug.”

Am I TOTALLY missing out here?? I have just never gotten into the whole anal thing. Will this be the demise of my lesbian love life?


Ladies, let’s get ourselves off to a good start… ;p

So this column isn’t JUST for the ladies, but after re-reading, it does seem to be geared more towards those who HAVEN’T been caught watching the fuzzy channel since age 10. Anyway, I’ve started to truly enjoy porn myself. I have finally figured out the secret to REALLY enjoying it: I always watched it with the volume turned down to a barely audible level, because, well, let’s face it, who wants to do the walk of shame and have to look the roomies in the eyes after no one else walks out of your bedroom?? More importantly, it’s none of their business that you like gay midget porn. To each her own.

…And if I do say so myself, I do know how to make myself moan, but that’s noise to be embraced! Now don’t stop reading here, because it isn’t like I always knew how to make myself scream out “OH, SELF!”, and it isn’t like I always know how to give it to myself either… it’s a fun trial an error process, and it seriously does take work! But I’m all over the place, and getting ahead of myself. In short, I suggest this:

1. Get yourself a toy! Bigger isn’t always better, and it scared me at first, but “The Rabbit” is kind of all that it was cracked up to be. Before that though, I had a little $10 vibrating plastic yellow dildo, with length enough to hit my spot and a circumference of maybe 3 fingers. Baby steps!  And don’t forget some lube. I’m a little sensitive, so I skip the bells and whistles when it comes to this.

1 & 1/2. (I didn’t feel like re-numbering. But this is a small however important one…) Charge some batteries!

2. One day when you’re feeling frisky and can carve out a few hours (it takes me a while, and who wants to feel rushed, or end in frustration!? …Although, “crossing the finish line” isn’t necessarily the important part here. Just starting the race is at least that: a start!). Close and lock your door. If you feel the need, tell the housemates you’re outta commission for the day. Or if possible, take the time when no one is home!

3. Put on HEADPHONES! It made me feel so much better to not wonder what my roomies/neighbors/passersby were thinking about my porno selection, lol. Which IS kind of freaky… but that’s convo for another time… (and no, the gay midget threesome comment was unfortunately not an autobiographical reference ;p)

4. Don’t be shy about the porn you watch! It’s cool to watch girl on girl even though you’ve never gotten freakydeaky with a chick, nor do you plan on it. Who wants to watch sweaty man and hairy ball slapping anyway? OR maybe you want to watch TWO hairy ball slapping MEN!? Point is, don’t be shy about what you want.  Type whatever you want into that little search bar.  Unless you’re into poor little underagers. Then you can stop reading my fucking column and check yourself in someplace. Thanks.

5. Start off slow! Take your time; we women can go in and out of “the mood” easily. Find yourself a porn site (I usually use youporn.com or pornhub, but this article explores more options http://www.brobible.com/Story/20652 ). Or, even just conjure up a fantasy in your head that may or may not start with some ridiculous back story. Mentally go through your facebook friends or strangers from throughout the day!  Sometimes mental ex sex can be good if you had good sex, but you don’t want it to interfere with your real life feelings for him/her. Use the headphones for mood music and to block out the outside world. But anyway, take it as slowly as you want; start over the blanket, over the sheet, move up your leg sensually… outside my underwear with my hand making a large sweeping motion is one of my personal fave foreplay moves. My lips are really sensitive, so sometimes I’ll even put my mouth on the pillow next to me. (Oh yeah, those lips are sensitive too. Not what I was referring to, however.) Also, don’t be afraid to, at any time in the process, come back to sow and sensual.

6. Give it to yourself! Be your own pornstar. Shit, by the time I’m done with myself, my sheets and memory foam mattress topper have been ripped off of my bed and curled up into a makeshift manpiece that, hey I’ll admit it, sometimes I ride! Sometimes I’ll even pull it on top of myself because I like the weight of it. At times I’ll even give it to myself from behind. Maybe take the action to the shower. Pull out all the stops… if you can’t get down with yourself, how can you get down with someone else?!

7. Don’t get frustrated! It takes time and practice to get yourself off, and in my opinion, it’s pretty good even if I DON’T finish!

8. Practice, practice, practice ;p

Okay, so that wasn’t TOO short, but one of the main ideas, anyway, is spend time on yourself. You deserve it! 😉

PS. After a while, if you have one, I don’t think it’s a bad idea to involve your partner in this process. Some people like to watch and s/he might even have some tips for YOU! Happy masturbating!

Addendum: Some other links to finding porn easily and for free: (Don’t forget to clear your search history, btw– could result in funny looks from future computer borrowers!)



Rude or just Right?

So I guess my infatuation with dating, sexuality, and the relationship between men and women really took off the same night we coined the phrase “Sexually Rude.”

I had just been dumped so I ventured out to put a band-aid on my wounds.

…AKA get drunk and get laid.

Maybe it’s the good ol’ fashioned repression that comes along with being female in a sexual situation, but I had always been kind of hesitant expressing my desires.  Now, that isn’t to say that that’s wrong entirely, and I’m not necessarily suggesting you necessarily go asking for anal sex and nipple clamps the first night you get naked with a guy.  But, as a waitress, I know that we women know EXACTLY how to ask for our food.  (IE: “Cobb salad with no chicken, sub shrimp, but could you please blacken the shrimp, dressing on the side… oh and no tomato.”) Sex and food are almost tied in order of importance in my life (don’t underestimate me either: I’m Italian), and you could argue that one cannot survive without food, but I say sex is necessary for survival too.  [Hey, it’s necessary for the survival of our species!]

But even though you could survive on it, you don’t just eat rice and beans and veggies day in day out, do you?!  You spice it up! You get it the way you like it!

The thing is, we no longer have to hunt down our meals, but seeking a fine mate seems to be more difficult than finding good pizza on the west coast!  We all know the best meals come from mom’s house, or were made by a lover’s hands.  The heartiest food comes from the heart. Whether it actually tastes better or you can just taste the love is irrelevant.

The same goes for love filled sex.  At least passion filled sex. This is where the dreaded RELATIONSHIP word comes in. The relationship between a man and woman participating in this beautiful act is just as important as the physical act itself as far as how it makes you feel.

I guess what I’m saying is I just wanna share my thoughts about sex, and if what I say strikes you as sexually rude, then… whatever go elsewhere and blog about it. Ha. I’ll tell you about my own personal, and often unbelievably ridiculous (unfortunately for me and luckily for you!) experiences.  I’ll give you my own advice regarding sex and relationships (Take at your own risk. Some exclusions apply.  See me for details).  If I sound like a know-it-all and you think I’m wrong, feel free to tell me to go fuck myself. Or just move to another webpage.

Either way, I hope you enjoy.

(… that’s what she said….?)

Oh, and as for that night, I retold the story of my “sexual rudeness,” as we called it, and my girl friends and I had a great laugh about it.  [“You better not finish without me; this is the only condom I have!  Slow down, you’re doing it too fast!  Flip over! Ugh– since you couldn’t hold it, I guess you’re going down on me!”] Later that evening, though, my own words  ran through my head repeatedly… was it rude that I was asking for what I wanted?? I finally told a guy what I want, didn’t treat him like a mindreader, and he didn’t quite know what to do with the information.  Guys, it might behoove you to continue reading.  Ladies, get behind this movement with me?

Much love ❤




Jumping right into dating someone new right after breaking up with someone you care about is kind of like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound.  You know it isn’t gonna help necessarily, and it’s definitely gonna leave a scar regardless of what you do, but sometimes it’s just easier to look down and see that band-aid staring back at you rather than that gaping void. Hey—sometimes it’s okay to change band-aids a few times before it’s completely healed.  Totally normal.  Sometimes once you get ‘em wet you really need a new one ;p

Soooo after ending up a dumpee (as opposed to a dumpER), what I decided, and what I think might be important for women because we are so relationally oriented and we just love to be loved, is this: just momentarily find someone who will literally and metaphorically lick your vagina. I am so serious. I tried to do this the second night after the break up (orrr was it that night?? Not sure, I took my alcoholic friends’ advice and got drunk for 3 days straight. Now I’m detoxing & becoming a gym rat for 28 days. But I digress.) See I tried to do this with some naive boy from Kansas I met in my bar/restaurant. I obviously let him get too liquored up and kissing him was like trying to kiss an alligator with beer breath.


Two things, guys

1. Chapstick. No one wants to bite the dead skin off your lips. Soft lips=nice lips. (But don’t get all fruity, or we’ll wonder if you’re fruity. And, I mean, it’s cool if you are… but… ya know… then you’re probably just at my house to check out my male roommate.)

2. Mouthwash. Or gum. Or mints. Or Listerine strips. I could go on and on. If you are not smart and prepared enough, however, most women wouldn’t mind lending you some mouthwash or giving you some toothpaste to swish around. And ladies, you can help by leaving mouthwash out in plain sight, right in front of the idiots’ faces, or in the most accessible bathroom cabinet.

So if this guy had at least tried to lick his lips before kissing me and/or at least taken a shot of Rumple Minze, he could have had a shot at licking my lips. Naameen? The importance of kissing is unfathomable to guys, probably because they are turned on at the mere thought of us with our clothes off (excluding, of course, Jizzman, my ex, who possibly does go with the fruity chapstick, as has been discussed among his and my friends. But that’s a debate for another day). Women, however, begin the sexual buildup with the kissing stage. Get with it.

So, ladies, I am off to find a man who knows how to kiss my lips and who I decide I might let lick my lips. I’ll of course ignore his phone calls, break plans with him (politely and apologetically!) and subtly seduce him into kissing my ass. Guys rate girls into three categories:

1. I’d let her blow me.

2. I’d fuck her

3. I’d eat her ass. This is obviously saved for the sexiest of all, and when you find a guy who will put you in this third category, take it and run with it. Run until your bruises are healed. And when you have to let him down, do it oh-so-gently. He helped you heal your wounds, you don’t want bad relationship karma by giving him wounds of his own to deal with. Be honest from the beginning.  Most guys won’t be too opposed to just being a fuck buddy.  And if they are, run like hell. He’s probably poking holes in the condoms.

Happy healing ;p

I Got Effing Dumped

I put The MANual down. I put up my defense mechanism that pushes guys away, so I don’t have to get close and I don’t have to get hurt. At first I thought: I let my guard down. I stopped playing the game. But as my roomie points out, after 6 months of dating, you shouldn’t HAVE to totally play the game anymore. Of course you always wanna keep ’em guessing but… oh well. Enough woulda-coulda-shoulda.  And I mean I guess I wasn’t getting what I wanted. The second to last day of our relationship, we woke up together after having a tiff (sans makeup sex) the night before, and I rolled over and tried to get him to take his shirt off. He responded with “I don’t want to spend all day in bed cuddling!” Umm okay dude, all I wanted to do was it! And this is AFTER I was forced to say something about feeling unwanted because he wasn’t banging me out enough. (Sidenote: BAD move. I will NEVER make this mistake again, and I’ll soon write a post detailing why.) So I of course stormed out with an “I don’t know why I even want to see you with your shirt off!” (Not the nicest bod I’ve ever seen by any means.) So, anyway, I won’t bore you with the details of the break-up. I guess you could say it was mutual, but I think we both wonder whether we’ll end up together again. Of course the sad pathetic woman in me misses him every other second of the day. However, sometimes when I dig deeper, I wonder if I was more in love with the way he made me feel. In love with the idea of love.

REGARDLESS. And regardless of whether we ever did end up hanging out again, I need to heal. And I wanted to share some of the break-up advice and comments I got.  Some helpful, mostly funny.

“Break-ups are the best diets”

(The knots in my stomach HAVE been taking up plenty of room)

“You just need to get f*cked by a bunch of guys”

-my slutty friends

“You just need to get f*cked up”

-my alcoholic friends

“You just need to get drunk and do it with me”

-my guy friends, of course

“You just need to get your life together and say f*ck guys all together”

… okay, okay, I like that better. I’ve been to the gym 3 times in 3 days now.  Do everything you didn’t make time to do for yourself because you made too much time for him.

“Let’s go to the movies, it will take your mind off of it”

[Good idea, and Get Him to the Greek was awesome]

Maybe my fave convo:

“What’s his best friend’s name”

> …??

“Just tell me his best friend’s name”

>…I guess Phil?

“So repeat after me: ‘Okay so is it cool if I f*ck Phil now?'”

>@#$@! No!! I’m not saying that to him!!

“Just say it out loud right now. It will make you laugh.”

> ….

“Just say it!”

> I say it and crack up. Okay laughter IS the best medicine.



Up next: We love Man-daids.

P.S. The Book, The MANual I refer to is by Steve Santagati.  Don’t let the Cheesy cover fool you: it’s chock full of good info. Amazon.com that isht.  And then send it to your friends. Single or not.


Say Somethin’

There were so many things I have been thinking about that I realy wanted to put on here, and I couldn’t decide how dirty and real to get, but who cares because I dont know any of you. I just need a place to vent and talk about the ridiculousness that has been my love life since age 12. I just think so many of the things I want to write down are relatable or at least entertaining. I hope you do too.


About Me

There have been so many things I have been thinking about that I realy wanted to put out there, and I couldn’t decide how dirty nd real to get, but I’m gonna keep it aonymous.  This way: who cares because I dont know any of you, and you don’t know me.  I just need a place to vent and talk about the ridiculousness that has been my love life since age 12. I just think so many of the things I talk about with friends or canot bring myself to say out loud are relatable or at least entertaining.

I hope you think so too…